Faith Hope Charity and My Son’s Marriage

( NOTE: Given this essay’s length and the amount of media it includes I highly recommend reading it on a laptop or desktop computer rather than on a mobile device. )

Estimated Read Time: 2+ hours

My son, Parker (left) got married last Saturday, July 11, 2020 to a wonderful person our family has known and loved for years. Alex is a spiritual, gifted friend with a loving, giving heart. I’m grateful that Parker found and married someone he loves so much and a person our family members love as well.

Over the last few years Parker and I have had lots of visits about what it means to be gay and a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (herein also referred to as the Mormon Church, the Church and the LDS Church). In connection with these visits I started doing more research and pondering about the complexities of being Mormon and gay—in part because of Parker, but not entirely because of him. In the early 1980s when one of my dear friends came out, he faced decisions similar to those that Parker and Alex face today.

The topic of same-sex marriage has been on my mind for a long time. What started over a year ago as a short blog post expressing my support for my son’s engagement quickly became more complex and significant for me.

The LDS Church’s position on same-sex marriage is one of the most divisive topics in Mormonism today. I have a lot of friends and acquaintances who have left the Church over the last few years because of the Church’s stand. Many left after the Church’s 2015 policy announcement dubbing married same-sex couples “apostates” and barring their children from baptism until they are 18. These former members describe that policy as the straw that broke the camel’s back. Thankfully, the Church reversed the policy in 2019 but not before the damage had been done.

I’ve read many people’s positions on this topic, both inside and outside of the LDS Church. I have not approached this from an “anti-Mormon” perspective. In fact, quite the contrary. I’ve tried to take Brigham Young’s instruction to heart when he said, “It is our duty and calling … to gather every item of truth and reject every error. Whether a truth be found with professed infidels, or with the Universalists … Church of Rome, or the Methodists, the Church of England, the Presbyterians, the Baptists, the Quakers, the Shakers … it is the business of the Elders of this Church … to gather up all the truths in the world … to the sciences, and to philosophy, wherever it may be found … and bring it to Zion.” (DBY, 248).

I’ve spent time petitioning the Lord for personal revelation in finding spiritual understanding. This hasn’t just been about research… it continues to be about striving for clarity.

Being Solution Minded

I’ve learned an important lesson as an entrepreneur. That is, it’s easy to point out the problems. Everybody can do that. It’s much more difficult to offer solutions. Being “solution minded” means formulating thoughtful (and sometimes, unexpected) solutions. And even when the solutions I come up with are fraught with limited vision and error, formulating them inspires me with fresh thinking and helps open my door to personal revelation.

In 1829 the Lord taught Joseph Smith a lesson about personal revelation and godly micromanagement: “Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me. But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right…” (D&C 9:7–8)

I’m pragmatic about change in the LDS Church. I’ve been a Mormon long enough to know there’s not much room for suggestions from the ranks. I’m not trying to tell God or the Church what to do. I just want to be part of the conversation and perhaps provide some helpful perspectives. Church dogma supports the singular solution, “the discussion ends when the prophet speaks.” I understand that and support it institutionally. But I think the leadership is listening. In the third post of this essay, I touch on many variables that I believe impact change in the Church. I believe many times change is a process, not an event—and with regards to same-sex marriage I don’t think the leadership knows exactly what to do. And that’s okay.

Transparency’s Complexity

I’m blessed and fortunate to fill many roles. I’m my family’s patriarch and I express deep gratitude to God daily for this privilege. I love my wife and every member of my family so much. They mean the world to me. My wife and I have five remarkable children, two wonderful daughters-in-law, three amazing sons-in-law, and eight beautiful grandchildren.

In addition to being a 1) family patriarch, 2) husband, 3) father and 4) grandfather, I also fill roles as 5) a member of the LDS Church, 6) a leader in my local LDS ward, 7) a friend to other LDS Church members who are struggling with this issue, 8) a friend to LDS Church members who do not struggle with this issue and have tightly held, immovable positions, 9) a friend to non-LDS people who are curious about the Church’s policies, and finally 10) Parker’s father. As such, this isn’t just another casual writing experience for me. I feel a lot of responsibility in filling these roles. This isn’t just about what I think. A fabric’s threads are all connected and I feel the weight of that responsibility.

Some may think it’s not important to worry about that saying, “Just write what you think and let the cards fall where they fall.” I feel obliged to worry about it. For several years now we’ve had a Gandhi quote sitting in a frame on our kitchen counter. “Be truthful, gentle, and fearless” it says. I suppose the goal is to find and walk the edge of that knife. People’s feelings are tender.

I really wrote this essay for me, but I’ve also assumed there may be both Church members and non-members who will read it.

Until now, when a well-intentioned church member heard about Parker’s engagement and then asked me what I thought, it’s felt inadequate (almost flippant) to say, “I feel great about it!” After hearing that, I believe many Church members would think, “Oh, he’s just saying that. He can’t possibly feel that way.”

Now, if asked, I can say, “I feel great about it. And if you’re really interested in what I think… and why I think the way I do about it… and you’re asking that question sincerely, with an open mind… then I’ve actually written something that I would be happy to share with you if you’d like me to. It may take you a couple of hours to read—but if you’re really interested in what I think I’m happy to share it.”

Shoulder Taps

I believe we have loving heavenly parents who are very aware of each of us. And although it may feel like they’re distant at times, they’re actually close and aware of us individually. I believe that although a lot of what happens in life is random there are times when, in our heavenly parents’ infinite wisdom they put people and/or experiences in our paths to help us serve each other and learn important lessons. Sometimes I’m a receiver of these lessons. Other times I feel like I’m blessed to participate in providing them. I believe in “shoulder taps.” A favorite author of mine, Bill Hart speaks of this concept:

Essay Contents:

“So What’s Your Point, Jack?”

After spending a year developing random thoughts and impressions on the topic of same-sex marriage and the Mormon Church I sat back and asked myself, “In summary, what are you really trying to say?”

Here are the seven major points of my essay:

The origins of same-sex attraction are not important. What is important is how we behave as members of the LDS Church, both individually and collectively.
The LDS Church could accept legally wed same-sex couples in full fellowship without compromising its doctrine.
There are some great people and thoughtful organizations providing hope to those members not only struggling with the Church’s LGBTQ policies, but with other issues as well. We should embrace them and support their efforts.
Change in the Church is impacted by many factors. Those factors may offer hope to members who worry that policies toward our LGBTQ brothers and sisters will never change.
Personal revelation can also provide hope.
There are important things we can do during this process as an institution, as Church members and as family members for our LGBTQ brothers and sisters.
If the Church were to ever accept legally married same-sex couples in full fellowship, I have some recommendations on how to handle that change. 😊

The Two Entangled Discussions

Throughout this essay I reiterate that the topic of same-sex marriage is comprised of two discussions that are certainly entangled, but must be considered separately.

Discussion #1 is about homosexuality, morality and science. It’s about LGBTQ people. I’ve purposely spent very little time on Discussion #1. It’s outside this essay’s scope. I’m not qualified to address it, there’s just too much that we don’t understand, and nothing constructive or actionable seems to come from those debates. When it comes to Discussion #1, at least for now I think people simply need to smile and agree to disagree.

On the other hand…

Discussion #2 is about us, both as individual LDS Church members and the LDS Church as an institution. It’s about how we respond to Discussion #1. It’s about how we behave individually and collectively. I believe we could, and should agree on Discussion #2. That’s what this essay is about.

First Faith, Then Hope, Then Charity

LDS author Rebecca Stradling wrote,

“In his monumental and beautiful discourse on charity in 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, Paul makes rather cryptic reference to three eternal principles: ‘and now abideth faith, hope, charity, these three.’ He goes on to describe charity as ‘the greatest of these,’ with no explanation of why faith and hope are mentioned in that context, or if there is any special relationship between these virtues. Interestingly, Mormon makes the same connection between faith, hope and charity in Moroni chapter 10. He goes much further, however, in developing their interrelationship:

‘Wherefore, there must be faith; and if there must be faith there must also be hope; and if there must be hope there must also be charity. And except ye have charity ye can in nowise be saved in the kingdom of God; neither can ye be saved in the kingdom of God if ye have not faith; neither can ye if ye have no hope.’ (Moroni 10: 20–21) Mormon makes it clear that faith, hope, and charity are not associated by chance. They are not only interrelated; they are, indeed, interdependent. Faith is a necessary foundation for hope, which in turn is prerequisite to the development of charity.”

Faith is trusting in something, not based on knowledge. Faith says, “It is so, now.”

Hope says, “In the future, it could happen.” Hope is an optimistic attitude of mind based on an expectation or desire. Jesus Christ’s Atonement provides our ultimate hope but many current and former members of the Church have lost hope when it comes to the Church’s position on same-sex marriage. Could the Church’s leadership better provide hope? Is there a path forward?

Charity is described by Paul as “the greatest of these.” In the end, this essay is about charity.